2023-02-12 Getting closer. Freedom and guilt

J. made me realize today that there’s only a week and a half left until the pregnancy is considered full-term. I’m starting to get scared.

Last week I noticed quite a big change in myself and a solid dose of joy in life. It came from the fact that after therapy I decided to loosen up, let go a bit more, and generally worry less. We started putting Młoda to bed later, not at a specific hour, only when we could see she was tired. Sometimes J. and I watched a movie in her room, Młoda played next to us, and eventually she went to sleep after 11 PM, with no forcing, no nerves. Family evenings became really pleasant. I also started using my phone more around her. Before, I was afraid to do even something specific on my phone. It wasn’t about wasting time on Facebook and similar sites, but about checking some information, anything, I felt guilty that she was with me and I wasn’t taking care of her. After I gave myself that kind of slack, I started to like being with her. Time with her stopped being an unpleasant, limiting obligation, and earlier I’d sometimes had that kind of thinking, which terrified me. I thought something was wrong with me. Paradoxically, when I stopped worrying and allowed myself to do what I wanted, I started giving more time to Młoda. Time on the phone and spent on other such “escapes” was reduced to a minimum. Family life became something joyful and happiness-giving.

I’m writing about it in the past tense because I’m struggling with it again. This weekend I’m playing around a bit with setting up my sister’s iPhone, which she lent me so I could see what it’s like to use iOS day to day. It’s taking me some time because I really like thoroughly checking the possibilities of devices like this, digging out all the hidden features and little treats that make everyday use more pleasant. And when I find something that, in my opinion, is very inconvenient, I get even more motivated to find some workaround. After switching from Android, I found many such things in iOS, so it pulled me in a bit. We’re spending this weekend at home because Młoda is sick, so with no other attractions she’s really seeking attention. Over these two days we played a lot of Rummikub with my parents, so we spent quite a lot of time in their part of the house. Młoda played a lot with her grandpa, and I got very pulled into configuring the iPhone. Add to that the lack of sleep after the whole week and we have very fertile, irritable ground for guilt. I kept thinking that it should be me playing, not my dad. That I shouldn’t spend so much time on my things, especially such trivial ones. Because of that tension inside me, I was getting angry both at Młoda and at myself. J. told me it was okay, but it’s hard for me to trust a lighter judgment of the situation when I judge myself so harshly. In any case, I think I’ll have to keep changing my thinking more in this direction and trust that it will be okay. I’ve already seen good results from this approach.

I’ll try.