2023-02-10 Random Things That Break My Heart

It’s amazing how much simple things can suddenly hit me with a huge emotional charge. One of those things is definitely the song "44 dni" by Luxtorpeda. I first heard it while taking the bus home from technical school. The album had come out maybe a few days earlier, three tracks on it, and I thought I’d check if there was anything good there. The first song was "Shoah", anti-abortion, but with power, emotion, and an idea, pretty good. The second was exactly "44 dni". The title didn’t hint at the content, at least not when I didn’t know it yet. I thought maybe that number was some reference to Mickiewicz’s "Dziady"? But it turned out there was no symbolism there, only a brutal meaning. Damn, I don’t have many moments in life when I cry, but I remember that back then, on that bus, I could barely hold back the tears that welled up in my eyes. Since that day, there hasn’t been a single time when I listened to that song and didn’t almost cry.

Today I was cleaning up files on Google Drive and found a file called "Krzyś and (my wife’s name).pptx" there. And I got emotional right away too. It’s a shame there’s no way to mark it somehow so I don’t delete it by accident, because I’m keeping it as a keepsake. It’s a presentation my dad made when J. and I were getting married. He couldn’t be there himself, because he had COVID. Back then I had a very hard decision in front of me, whether to postpone the wedding so our loved ones could be there, and if so, until when? I didn’t know how the pandemic would develop, or to leave the wedding on the date it was planned for and accept that a large part of our families wouldn’t be there. In the end, the wedding took place on the planned date, and my dad, who stayed at home and spent the whole time lying weak in bed, made this presentation for us with our photos and music. It’s nothing extraordinary, but I really appreciate that gesture from my dad.

I’m grateful for little things like that, because sometimes they remind me of things that are good, gentle, and loving, and even when I’ve already gotten stuck in some bad thinking, they’re able to disturb it and break it.